I credit the slave resilience and grit running through my veins. So, I know that I'll push through things somehow because I've always had to. I'm still here. And you learn to limit when and how much you can give a damn about other people and other things. So, you learn to aggressively and unapologetically take space despite how it affects everyone and everything around you because it’s often not given and you'd otherwise self destruct. Effie White cause I dont take that tone from no second-rate diva, who cant sustaine. The tragedy of the commons I believe is what it’s called. Blame individualistic western culture maybe? Maybe it's how small and rigidly we define family. Being the last one holding onto community values really just leaves you left out. It’d be nice if everyone defaulted to putting the needs of the whole over their own. But, when we experience scarcity and are living with survival mindsets, it’s every (wo)man for her/himself. And despite what your progressive social media circles may tell you, ain't nobody got time for Brown boy melancholy. A reasonable amount of anger could still get me arrested or shot. I got pain ALL except EFFIE Effie, we all got pain EFFIE For seven years, I sung with you. The Mask You Live In (Check the Trailer) Implicit bias says that I am already seen as innately menacing. There's a documentary about this I think. It is my experience that we don’t get the same allowances or the same reactions. Add that to the intensity of my emotions and that's just a recipe for crappy expression. Being Black/Brown cishet man, I have to pay extra attention to which emotions are expressed and to what degree. Plus, as it is said by the faceless mass we call They, men are not socialized to have great emotional intelligence. The group/team was far more important than personal/individual stuff. Growing up I participated in a lot of community/team based activities. The world doesn't take a knee for me when I need a moment so I get frustrated when the game has to stop for others. Maybe that’s my own fault for not ever broadcasting my own shit (until now). Maybe I’m just upset about the lack of reciprocity. People who take up excessive amounts of space, who force everyone else to deal with their character flaws and troubles with seemingly zero awareness and zero effort on improving drive me nuts. So, I really hate dealing with other people’s uninhibited abnormalities and having to be incredibly compassionate and inconvenienced by their life stress. I get fatigued of swallowing and pushing through it in order to make space for and cater to others. Trigger warnings: climate disasters, Texas abortion law, white supremacy, Jeff Bezos, school integration, boba, The Day After Tomorrow, Big Horn Sheep, objective. Dealing with my own stuff is difficult and draining.
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